I have a friend who, for various reasons beyond his control, has had a rough go in life.  I won’t get into details, but it has left him deeply insecure and unable to trust people.  He came to faith a number of years ago, and, as this is real life, his problems didn’t just disappear.  In fact, they have probably surfaced more clearly as he attempted to trust the Father enough to lay down his life.

I have watched him take many steps along this journey of faith; many forward and a good number backward.  I have seen mercy, generosity, love and kindness flow out of him.  I have watched him lie, manipulate and attack his friends at times of great pressure.  I have seen him sabotage many relationships unwittingly, in his insecurity.  I have learned so much from him, he has been a good mirror into my own insecurities.  But what I have learned most from him, is the polemic difference in how God and men respond to him.  You see, most people (myself included) when confronted with his brokenness, try to fix him.  We point out his lying and manipulation and why it is wrong, and even reveal the roots of insecurity and mistrust.  We then encourage or admonish him and give him advice on how to trust God more or whatever.

I have watched this pattern unfold over the years with many people.  Some are more patient than others, but eventually all lose the war of attrition with him and begin distancing themselves.  I have personally held him at arms length for periods of time.  The problem for people around him is that he has been unable to respond the way most of us would to the encouragement/admonishment.  You see I realized something through my friend: most of us when encouraged or admonished by our community to essentially “try harder”, learn something.  We learn to hide our brokenness in order to avoid further encouragement from our friends.  We don’t like being singled out, because, like my friend, we are insecure to.  It really is the only option because in spite of our best efforts, we can’t fix ourselves.  But my friend has been completely incapable of hiding his brokenness, and we don’t seem to know what to do with him.  Mainly we just tolerate him.

Yet God is still transforming my friend.  And I have noticed something: each time my friend takes a step forward, it is not on the heels of “try harder” encouragement, but that God loves him.  When the focus is removed from the “here’s how to trust God” or “do ____ to find peace” and placed on the simplicity of unconditional love, I see a new level of trust and peace emerge in my friend.  I realize that the more I have tried to fix my friend, the more I have damaged him; but when I have simply loved him, that made all the difference.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t encourage each other, but I think the encouragement should focus on this: Jesus loves you.  There is no more transforming revelation, than love in the midst, and in spite of sin.

Thanks to my remarkable friend, I am thoroughly convinced that I cannot fix anyone else, let alone myself.  Hence, for the first time in my life, I think I truly understand my need for grace and I am beginning to accept it.  It is God who restores and “fixes” us, and all we can really do is freely receive His love, and in turn love each other.  The fruit of the Spirit never comes by human striving, only human surrender.  I thank God for my friend, because I would never have learned that from “normal” people.